Personally, I am frustrated by how much I still fear failure.  I regret how much I tend to focus on mistakes.   To my credit, I am getting much better.  Yet, too frequently, on the verge of attempting something new or big I begin to get paralyzed.  What if it doesn’t work out?  What if this totally bombs?  Often this can stop me in my tracks and keep me from pushing forward.

Mistakes trigger something deep in us.  They hit a nerve not usually touched.  They can represent:

 – deeper unresolved shame (“I am not good enough”  “Something is wrong with me”)

- codependency (“what if others find out about it?”)

- childhood messages (“My parents/teachers/peers might be right about me all along”)

What have you so wanted to attempt but did not do so because of fear of failure?  What dreams are you holding back on?  What is that personal calling which you are still hiding and repressing?

Your thoughts lead to your actions.  As long as we associate pain and tribulation to potential failure it is going to be really hard to take action.  So let’s work to reevaluate mistakes and “failure.”  Let’s right-size them and see them for what they are…progress in life.

Mistakes are not you.

Obvious, I know.  But do you believe it?   Mistakes are an outside entity.  They simply are not you.  Mistakes do not mean you are bad or faulty or unworthy.  Let’s stop taking them so personally.

Mistakes mean you are moving somewhere.

To the contrary, be thankful of your failures and missteps!  It means you are attempting something, going someplace.  You are taking risks, trying new things, reaching out into the unknown.

Focus on the solution…not on what might go wrong.

Focusing too much of all the potential negative outcomes is training your brain to fear that path.  Your brain loves reward and hates pain.  The more you focus on painful, negative consequences the harder it will be to start.  Instead, focus on all the positive outcomes.  Even if it doesn’t work out 100% what will you have learned?  How will you have grown?  Focus on this and begin to get excited.

Bottom Line: Don’t fear mistakes.  They are an unavoidable sign that you are actually making a go at life.  Playing it safe might protect you in the short term but you’ll end up probably regretting the safety net you thought was so important.

What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you.

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

When I decided to become a therapist I had only a vague idea of where it would all end up.  I didn’t necessarily know how the school bills would work out.  Or how I would manage with a full work schedule.  I didn’t even know how exactly I wanted to use my degree.  I just knew deep down that this was something I had to do.

I debated myself and my own vicious inner critic for some time before I finally committed.  But once I did and started to move I couldn’t believe how certain things began to work out in my favor.  My class schedule synced perfectly with my work requirements.  After some planning we saw an increase in our joint income to pay for the school tuition.  I connected with other professionals in the industry who mentored and guided me into the position I have today.

But there is no way I could have known how much things would work out beforehand.  At the beginning I only had vagueness, a commitment to action…and healthy amounts of doubt and fear.

Have you been called on a path designed just for you?  Do you have a desire where only you can take the first step?  Is there a calling on your life which both excites you out of passivity and simultaneously creates incredible amounts of fear?

For any great movement we take personally or collectively there will be some form of testing internally.  The mind will debate back and forth.  Critics will come forward.  Sometimes we back off out of wisdom.  Usually we stop because of fear.

If we do decide to take action it is unnerving to not know how we will reach our goal.  How will we make it?  What guarantee do we have?

After witnessing several case studies I now firmly believe this principle:

On any journey of passion we take (with commitment!) help will come in ways we can’t possibly predict or explain.

I don’t know exactly why or how or to what means….I just know help does come, sometimes in the most surprising of forms. Testimony after testimony give validation to this.  People come alongside to support us.  Financial resources come from unexpected places.  The right phone call comes from the right person at just the right time.

Of course, before we start we don’t know this.  It feels so lonely.  We’re on the edge of a precipice and for all we know nobody really cares.  We want someone to rescue us or assure us of success.  It is not going to happen.

No, you won’t know how the help will come.

No, you won’t what form it will take.

But yes, you can bet that help WILL come and specifically for your aid.

If you’re on the edge and fully settled that this is a move you must make….then do it.  Don’t overplan or rationalize or become paralyzed – just start to move.  Your only job is to take action and don’t look back.

Help is going to come.

Is there a way though that we can use this to our favor?  How can we leverage the power of regret to help us grow, self-actualize and reach our goals?

As I have written about here and also here your brain evaluates most everything by a pain versus pleasure balance.  If taking some action will increase pleasure and/or decrease pain you will most likely follow through.  If not, then we will stay stuck and find ourselves sabotaging our best plans.

Despite what we might think we want or intend to do the pain/pleasure fulcrum needs to tip in our favor in order for us to take action.

[Click here to read more about how we sabotage ourselves]

A study done in 2008 monitored individuals who were attempting to lose weight.  Without going too far into the details, they found that spending a few moments thinking about the regret that would happen if he/she did not work out tended to increase the motivation to go.

It’s true of course.  If we can see and be reminded of the opportunity lost this is going to motivate us to take action.

As it pertains to this study, I think that essentially the participants were reminding themselves that there is PAIN waiting if you do not go to the gym.

There is power in this finding.   If this idea of experiencing regret beforehand works how can we leverage it to our benefit?   Here are 2 ideas that I currently use in my work and on myself.  They might appear simple or sophomoric but they are proven and powerful.

Write yourself a letter

This might feel a bit awkward to do….but try writing a letter or note to yourself to keep on hand.  Do it from the viewpoint of a good friend or mentor.  The goal here is to think coherently through your options and to get it on paper before the moment of trial and testing comes.

What would you say to yourself if you were on the edge of giving up?  How would you motivate yourself?  What negative consequences would happen from not taking action?  What about the shame and guilt you could feel as a result?  What regrets would you have?

Be very specific in this letter.  You know how to best motivate yourself – do this.  If it helps ask others sign the letter or write something of encouragement on it.

Whenever you find yourself on the verge of slipping or falling back to the old patterns take it out and read it to yourself.  This will often be enough to psychologically dislodge any feelings of paralysis.

List out the consequences (in vivid detail)

By not moving ahead what negative things will you experience as a result?  What has been the impact on your life?  What has it already kept you from?  How has it affected your life or relationships or level of happiness?  Be specific!  We’re not trying to beat ourselves up…but we need to feel just how bad it’s going to be if we don’t change.

List these out (at least 5-10) and scan them on a regular basis.  You are essentially reminding yourself (and your brain) how much pain has already occurred from your current situation.  Again, we don’t like pain!  So as we keep reminding ourselves of these consequences we will find it easier to stay motivated.

Personally, I keep a journal with my own aspirations and goals.  More importantly, I list out the specific reasons WHY I have chosen them (reward).  I also remind myself of the negative consequences I have experienced (and will continue to experience) by not moving to a better place (pain).  I carry it with me almost every day.  Seeing it regularly on paper keeps me on track.

[Previous post: Have you found the WHY for your goals??  You absolutely need it to reach them.] 

Take the time to create these tools – we can’t ever assume we can just think ourselves out of the moment.  When you are on the edge and relapse seems tempting you will be glad to have them handy.

For of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: It might have been.

– John Greenleaf Whittier

None of us wants to be on our deathbed with significant, multiple regrets about things we would have done differently.  There will be some, to be sure, but it makes sense that we should live our lives in a way to minimize this.

A study done at Cornell in 1995 examined just this.  Specifically, they looked at whether individuals would experience more regret by 1) taking action on items that worked out unfavorably, or 2) not taking any action at all.

This is a fascinating question when you think about it, right?  Don’t we all wonder if we are better off taking the “safe route” in areas of our lives?  Does wisdom dictate that we stay where we are or make a change into unchartered territory?

What the survey found was that regret had a temporal aspect to it.  Soon after taking an action that did not end up as planned, that person experienced a more significant amount of regret than the person that couldn’t muster the wherewithal to make a move at all.

BUT……

The researchers also found that over time this balance of regret flip-flopped between the participants.  So, 40 years down the road it was the person who did not take action with more disappointment and regret….and sometimes quite severe.  It would seem that in the big picture it was more healthy to take chances in life than to never know what might have been at all.

So here is a lesson for us: In life, you will probably end up regretting more the things you never attempt than those that don’t go as planned.

I think much of this is because “what if” thinking can be terribly desctructive to our ego and self-esteem.

“What if…I had actually pursued my calling.”

“What if…I had taken bigger risks with helping others and serving.”

“What if…I had actually followed through on cultivating that passion.”

Don’t we already know this to be true?  If you are at all like me I am grateful even for the changes I made that didn’t work out as expected.  At least I was moving somewhere!  It is the times where I was paralyzed or stuck or letting fear win that are painful to look back upon.

So, if you want to maximize your sense of accomplish and “life lived well” before you move on…go and take action!  Don’t keep procrastinating.  Don’t fear risk.  It might seem like the safe path now but actual, documented research shows it will end up biting you.

Yes, things might not work out.  Yes, it could cause some pain initially.  So what!  They will make for fantastic stories.  They will become teaching moments for others.  Besides, you could end up eventually experiencing MORE pain by doing nothing at all.

What’s that dream you are sitting on?  What move have you been wanting to take but won’t because it might not work out?

Go and start doing it.

Do it Today.

Do it Now.

Sometimes we wish somebody else could take this job, or at least guide us exactly through each week and month.

Unfortunately, nobody is coming to rescue you. There isn’t anyone that can lay out where you are going in a nice, tidy package.

Be certain that Help is available.  You are not alone on this journey you have been placed in. There is a God who is with you. There are many people who love and support you. But you are the one who must take the first step.

It’s your story. It’s your life. What will you do with it? What will people say as you enter the last years of your life?

More importantly, what will YOU say?

What prevents us from being the true heroine we were meant to be? What fears or beliefs or messages burrow into our head and make us freeze?

I don’t know how it is all going to turn out!?

Of course you don’t! Did you think you ever would? Has there ever been any hero anywhere who knew exactly every step that had to be taken in order to overcome adversity? Never! It has to start with just one step…and then another after that…and another…and another.

The real question is whether you are willing to take that first step. Can you put your hand to the plow and not look back? Because that is what a hero does. Against all desire for safety and security she moves and acts and keeps her face looking forward.

What if I am wrong?

You WILL be wrong at points. You WILL make mistakes at time. Let’s just establish that right now. But you also have the ability to move past them. You are resilient. You have what it takes. Whatever might come up you will find a way to recover. This is what a hero does. It is what makes the story so exciting!

It is really hard!

If it wasn’t hard we wouldn’t need a hero!  Nobody is inspired by taking the safe, secure route. Nobody ever changed the world or their situation by taking the path of least resistance. Yes, it is hard…brutally hard at points. But deep down isn’t that what you want? Don’t you want to look back someday with pride at how you found a way to make it happen?

Training for a marathon is hard. Training for a triathlon is hard. Changing careers is hard. Starting a business is hard. Loving others fully is hard. Transforming yourself is hard.

Watching TV is easy. Medicating with food and alcohol and internet is easy. Spending half your day on Facebook is easy. Selfishness is easy.

We NEVER talk about the people who took the easy route. We never talk about those who spent their lives in fear and self-comfort and selfishness.

Don’t take the easy route – you are better than that. Be the hero.

I don’t have what it takes.

Really?!? Who told you that? Where did you pick this message up? That certainly isn’t how God sees you…so who have you decided to believe?

Do you think that you aren’t up for the challenge? Are you the wrong person? Is it just too much?

That is nonsense. Hear me on this…YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES. You are capable and competent. You might not have been told that growing up but you were meant for adventure and courage and inspiration.

You don’t need it all together before you start. You just need enough to take that first step. As you keep moving forward you will grow and learn and gain confidence. You will discover that you have had what it takes all along.

Be that person that we admire and talk about. Be the person who decides what has to be done and then TAKES ACTION on it. Stand tall in the face of the unknown and the fear and the naysayers and that part of you that craves safety. Keep moving forward despite it all.

Start today and be a hero. It’s who you were meant to be.

In this video I explain why this is and what we can do about it in order to keep moving forward with our goals and aspirations.

In the video I talk about why we take action on certain goals and aspirations, and why we don’t on others even when months and years pass.

Enjoy…and please feel free to send me any comments and/or questions.

I quoted Dr. Chip Anderson and his experience of counseling many individuals who had reached the zenith of their careers.  Many of them were still miserable.  Despite achieving all that they had set out to do, they still were not happy.

This is exactly the situation we want to avoid.

Put simply, I am learning that every one of us (myself included) usually has too much “stuff” that clouds our vision of living.  We cannot see clearly enough to choose paths for ourselves.

There have been multiple times in my life where I thought I knew exactly what my career should be – and looking back I was dead wrong.  In some cases it might have been disastrous.

There was a time where I thought I knew exactly the type of person who I would marry.  Then I met somebody who totally broke that mold and is 10 times the person to me because of it.   I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else.

We have to be very careful with our plans.  It behooves us to keep them flexible.

So what do we do?  We clearly don’t desire apathy.  We can’t just sit back and see what comes along next, right?

I believe we can discover who we are and what will give us aliveness and meaning.  We can still pursue careers and relationships and life goals.  But we can’t do it alone.  Here are some suggestions:

1) Seek counsel

Others can often see us much better than we see ourselves.  There have been several points in my life where I have told others my plans and asked point blank “Do you see me doing this?”  Fortunately, I received candid answers.  Sometimes they were affirming, othertimes they pointed me elsewhere.  WE NEED THIS.  We need people who know us well enough to tell us when we are deceived or short sighted or being driven by ego.

Action Step:  Write down one or two big decisions you are contemplating and then find 2-3 people who are wise and who you trust to run them by.  Be totally open to their feedback.

2) Seek the child within you

Inside of you is a true, authentic self.  There was a time when you were curious and confident and trusting in the safety of the world around you.  As you grew though the world began to impose its values on you.  Most likely you were hurt deeply on more than one occasion.  You learned how to put up shields.  You experienced the feeling of fear.  You found shame.  You crafted ways of protecting yourself.  You might have needed these just to survive!  But now these same protections could be blocking your real self from emerging and coming through.  We NEED this person to emerge because that is where your path and purpose in life can be found.

Action Step:  Go find a therapist or wise mentor to begin meeting with.  Then begin to journal about your earliest memories.  What are your most fond recollections?  What are the most painful?  When you were young what made you feel alive?  Share these and get feedback.  Invite someone to enter in deeply into your history with you.

Start to peel back the layers that have built up over the years.  It’s going to hurt – but if you stay the course you will begin to see the deeper parts of yourself come forward.  You will recapture the passions and loves and interests that were concealed for so long.

3) Seek God

God can be trusted.  If you have developed an authentic relationship with Him then you would be well advised to bring Him your plans.  He can communicate and guide you in a variety of ways.  Ultimately, He knows you far better than you know yourself.  So, explain to Him what you seek and then let go.  Watch to see what circumstances, thoughts and people come to you as you begin to move forward.

I get cynical of self-help mantras.

Take control of your future!

Create your ultimate destiny!

Design your life and find your happiness!

I believe in change.  I believe in transformation.  There is a fine line though between living today to the utmost and trying to create the ultimate life for yourself over the next 10 years.

Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.”   Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.

– James 4:13-14

Whether you like it or not, you are ultimately a mist.  You are one person among billions of others who will live, walk this earth and then someday be gone from it.

Yet, we desire significance.  We want to feel alive.  So our desire to pursue adventures or “design” a future or reach our goals is oftentimes how we think we will achieve exactly this kind of life.

So we deeply desire for our lives to have significance.  We need to invest our time and energy into those things that will lead to meaning and aliveness.  How do we do this?

I don’t want to sound fatalistic but I think I am coming to this conclusion:

When planning our life and our future, we ultimately don’t know what is best for us.

The things that we think will give us meaning and significance may or may not.  The world has countless people of “success” who are still miserable.  They thought when they reached their goals they would finally be happy.  Or they continue to strive, strive, strive because they think that authentic contentment is just around the corner.

I’ve counseled thousands of people, individuals who were entertainment celebrities, multimillionaires, authors, college professors, sports celebrities, ministers, CEOs, college presidents, writers, TV personalities, doctors, lawyers, educators, students, and people from virtually every ethnic and cultural group. From this exposure to people at their core, I’ve come to one conclusion: “nobody is smart enough to know how to live his or her own life.” […]

No matter how authoritative a person may appear, I don’t believe that anyone is smart enough to know how to live his own life. When such a person acts as if he does know how to live or tries to tell you how to live your life, the “would be expert” is probably projecting his own faults, unfinished business, and problems on to you rather than facing the truth about himself.

– Edward “Chip” Anderson, Ph.D.

I think the Dr. Anderson is right.  We don’t hear this a lot but I think his words are wise.

How does this make you feel?  Depressed?  Relieved?  Confused?

To be clear, I am NOT saying that we cannot have a life of aliveness and growth and transformation. I am passionate about self-actualization and making the most of life.  I also very much affirm setting short-term goals, taking action and following through on them.

I am ONLY saying that I am not sure that we can figure out “big picture” life on our own.  We introduce too much junk (pride, dysfunction, family baggage, addictions, incorrect beliefs, cultural messages, peer pressure, fear, denial) to possibly sort out what path is true and right for us.

Fortunately, I believe we have other means available to discover where true aliveness can be found for each of us individually.  Others have used these and found them effective.  Let’s talk about some of those strategies in our next post.

(and if you haven’t done so yet please sign up for my mailing list!)

If our brains think that the net result will be a significant reduction of pain, or massive increase in pleasure, then we will probably follow through on it.  Otherwise, we will stay stuck.

No matter how we much we SAY we want something, deep down we must believe the change is best for us.  We might SAY we should lose weight but if we are still stuffing painful feelings or really enjoying the pleasure of eating too much, we simply will not change.

We also cannot just think ourselves into a different future – it doesn’t work that way.   Your brain is incredibly powerful and cunning when it wants something.  People recovering from addictions could tell you amazing stories of lies their brains made up to get them to use again.

Before any change can take place both the pain of the current situation and the perceived pleasure of making a change have to increase.

So what do we do then?

Option 1) – We wait

I think most people, whether they realize it or not, choose to wait it out.  Maybe they will feel more enthusiastic at some point in the future?  Maybe things will get better? We just keep doing the same thing day in and out and hope that things change.  Ultimately, though, what we need to have happen is for things to get even worse! Things need to get so bad that we say ENOUGH!  NO MORE!  Only then has the PAIN become great enough that we will make the decision to change.

So we can wait and hope that things get desperate enough that we become ready to make a decision.  Of course, this could take days and months and years.  I have been there firsthand friends and let me tell you this is not a fun option.

So, let’s look at our second option…

Option 2) – We can take hold of the pain/pleasure fulcrum and tilt it in our favor.

We have a say in things.  We are not at the mercy only of our environment.  We can work on the pain and we can work on the pleasure.  We can train our brains to see why making a change is a good thing!  This is not metaphysical Pollyanna talk – we literally have to prove to ourselves deep down as to why we must make this change now!

- Make a list of opportunities lost.

Write out all the things you have missed out on by NOT making this change?  What opportunities were lost?  How would your life have been different if you had made this change years ago?  Use this to focus on the PAIN of staying stuck.  Feel it in your bones.  Keep coming back to this list EVERY DAY to remind yourself of what you have been suffering through.

- Describe the “new you” change in vivid detail.  Visualize it every morning and every night.  Get excited about it!

If we can begin to really see ourselves after the change it tends to pull us forward to that goal.  As we enjoy in our minds who we are and what we are doing we are teaching our brains and nervous system to associate pleasure to the outcome.  The more we attach pleasure the easier it will be internally to take action.  But you have to do the work of the visualization!  And you have to be as specific as you can about where you are going.  If you can put it all down on paper though and spend 10-15 minutes every morning and night meditating on it I think you will be amazed at how much it helps.

- Get accountable

I have written about this before but if you are serious then you need to get accountable.  Find a friend.  Hire a coach.  Set some significant consequences if you don’t follow through.   Why?  Because your brain perceives this as pain (because it should be!) and when it does it will help you find ways to accomplish your goal.

- Think of other ways to satisfy the desire

Your brain means well.  I believe that everything we do is because somewhere inside of us we really do think it is for the best. Maybe we come home and have a few drinks because it really relaxes us and puts us in a happy mood.  According to your brain this is a good thing!  Yet, we also know that ultimately this habit could lead to pain and poor outcomes.

So, brainstorm about how you can still satisfy the NEED but do so in a new empowering way.  Instead of eating/drinking how else could you relax?  Could you brew some green tea instead and read a great novel?  What about taking up a new hobby?  Or seeing a movie?  Or going for a run?  Help your brain associate other patterns to satisfy the need.  Once it does it will be easier to let go of the old pattern.

Please don’t just wait for things to change.  You can do something about it!   Get excited and take action!  Where might you be in a month or year from now?  How much more love would you have to give and receive?  How might your relationships, career, life be different?  There are so many possibilities.  Please don’t waste another day you have been given.