Are you afraid of failure? 

Personally, I am frustrated by how much I still fear failure.  I regret how much I tend to focus on mistakes.   To my credit, I am getting much better.  Yet, too frequently, on the verge of attempting something new or big I begin to get paralyzed.  What if it doesn’t work out?  What if this totally bombs?  Often this can stop me in my tracks and keep me from pushing forward.

Mistakes trigger something deep in us.  They hit a nerve not usually touched.  They can represent:

 - deeper unresolved shame (“I am not good enough”  “Something is wrong with me”)

- codependency (“what if others find out about it?”)

- childhood messages (“My parents/teachers/peers might be right about me all along”)

What have you so wanted to attempt but did not do so because of fear of failure?  What dreams are you holding back on?  What is that personal calling which you are still hiding and repressing? Continue Reading…

What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

When I decided to become a therapist I had only a vague idea of where it would all end up.  I didn’t necessarily know how the school bills would work out.  Or how I would manage with a full work schedule.  I didn’t even know how exactly I wanted to use my degree.  I just knew deep down that this was something I had to do.

I debated myself and my own vicious inner critic for some time before I finally committed.  But once I did and started to move I couldn’t believe how certain things began to work out in my favor.  My class schedule synced perfectly with my work requirements.  After some planning we saw an increase in our joint income to pay for the school tuition.  I connected with other professionals in the industry who mentored and guided me into the position I have today.

But there is no way I could have known how much things would work out beforehand.  At the beginning I only had vagueness, a commitment to action…and healthy amounts of doubt and fear. Continue Reading…

As we talked about in my last post regrets are bad.  We don’t like them.  They hurt and deepen our shame and sense of opportunity lost.

Is there a way though that we can use this to our favor?  How can we leverage the power of regret to help us grow, self-actualize and reach our goals?

As I have written about here and also here your brain evaluates most everything by a pain versus pleasure balance.  If taking some action will increase pleasure and/or decrease pain you will most likely follow through.  If not, then we will stay stuck and find ourselves sabotaging our best plans.

Despite what we might think we want or intend to do the pain/pleasure fulcrum needs to tip in our favor in order for us to take action. Continue Reading…

For of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: It might have been.

- John Greenleaf Whittier

None of us wants to be on our deathbed with significant, multiple regrets about things we would have done differently.  There will be some, to be sure, but it makes sense that we should live our lives in a way to minimize this.

A study done at Cornell in 1995 examined just this.  Specifically, they looked at whether individuals would experience more regret by 1) taking action on items that worked out unfavorably, or 2) not taking any action at all.

This is a fascinating question when you think about it, right?  Don’t we all wonder if we are better off taking the “safe route” in areas of our lives?  Does wisdom dictate that we stay where we are or make a change into unchartered territory? Continue Reading…

Whether you want it or not, YOU are the hero of your life. Nobody else can play that role. The story revolves around you….your decisions, your courage, your persistence, your integrity, your actions.

Sometimes we wish somebody else could take this job, or at least guide us exactly through each week and month.

Unfortunately, nobody is coming to rescue you. There isn’t anyone that can lay out where you are going in a nice, tidy package.

Be certain that Help is available.  You are not alone on this journey you have been placed in. There is a God who is with you. There are many people who love and support you. But you are the one who must take the first step.

It’s your story. It’s your life. What will you do with it? What will people say as you enter the last years of your life?

More importantly, what will YOU say?

Continue Reading…

Our brains need a certain amount of variety and uncertainty in our lives – it helps us feel alive and satisfied. Too much of it though can wreak havoc on our plans for the future.

In this video I explain why this is and what we can do about it in order to keep moving forward with our goals and aspirations.

So, this is an exciting day….for the first time I am including video and slides! oohhh….ahhhh. Yes, I know – amazing.

In the video I talk about why we take action on certain goals and aspirations, and why we don’t on others even when months and years pass.

Enjoy…and please feel free to send me any comments and/or questions.

In my last post I discussed my hesitation of thinking we can plan and create a long term life plan for ourselves.  To be clear, we absolutely CAN create goals for our life.    My doubts come from whether we can do this on our own, using only our own capacity.

I quoted Dr. Chip Anderson and his experience of counseling many individuals who had reached the zenith of their careers.  Many of them were still miserable.  Despite achieving all that they had set out to do, they still were not happy.

This is exactly the situation we want to avoid.

Continue Reading…

I get cynical of self-help mantras.

Take control of your future!

Create your ultimate destiny!

Design your life and find your happiness!

I believe in change.  I believe in transformation.  There is a fine line though between living today to the utmost and trying to create the ultimate life for yourself over the next 10 years.

Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.”   Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.

- James 4:13-14

Whether you like it or not, you are ultimately a mist.  You are one person among billions of others who will live, walk this earth and then someday be gone from it.

Yet, we desire significance.  We want to feel alive.  So our desire to pursue adventures or “design” a future or reach our goals is oftentimes how we think we will achieve exactly this kind of life. Continue Reading…

In the last post we talked about how almost everything we do ultimately comes down to how your brain processes pain versus pleasure of any action or change we want to take.

If our brains think that the net result will be a significant reduction of pain, or massive increase in pleasure, then we will probably follow through on it.  Otherwise, we will stay stuck.

No matter how we much we SAY we want something, deep down we must believe the change is best for us.  We might SAY we should lose weight but if we are still stuffing painful feelings or really enjoying the pleasure of eating too much, we simply will not change. Continue Reading…